Negative Thoughts 

Negative Thoughts affect me on a daily basis. Do they affect you? 

I don’t activate them in my brain, they just come to. Is this true for you? 

A positive light drowns in negative sorrow.

Overwhelming visions of yesteryear destroying a prosperous tomorrow. 

Personal bullying and, ” No you can’t do thats” pop up like mold, suffocating my daily positive affirmations.

Deteriorating my health, I feel like a sick patient.

“What will they think if they see my ugly mole when I blink?”

“Is the gap between my teeth too wide for your phone screen? ”

“Does the pimple on my cheek distract you from my intellect?” 

“Can you see my oxymoronic, blasphemous, second-guessing mindset? 

I can’t even rhyme.

I’m losing my mind.

I just know its time. 

For something else. To knock the negativity off my shelf. 

To bury insecurity in a pine box. I pray they shrivel up and die and rot.

O, I’m done. I just wanna know….Can I stay positive? 

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Work and Food: hand in hand

How can I continue to live a healthy life if I’m in the business of selling junk food? This question runs through my mind daily as I push the Coke or Dr.  Pepper button to produce an acidic,  toxic waste into a cup as I point the customer to where the pot roast and yeast rolls are. 

I have worked in the food industry for going on 10 years now.  From breakfast diners in the hood to buffet steak houses and Applebees,  I have been a part of up saleing and distributing unhealthy foods to the public.  I dont know why recently I have been feeling so guilty for doing so.  I have never actually told someone to come into a restaurant I work at and be a regular customer to digesting dairy products and savory meats,  soaking up all the tasty GMOs this side of town has to offer.  These people have chosen to come in on their own accord.  With their families,  or by themselves,  or on a date,  they come into MY section requesting extra sugar and cheese to fill their tummies. 

But the truth is,  the more I continue to work in unhealthy restaurants,  the more intense the guilty feeling dwells in my being,  causing me to be miserable at work as I sip on my lemon water and try to ignore the smell of steak and sauteed mushrooms with mashed potatoes on the side,  topped with shredded cheese and bacon bits.  I was feeling guilty not only because I was selling junk to the public   but I was lying to myself as well.  I told myself that I can’t live without a juicy burger dripping from my lips and soda was the liquid of precious gold.  I,  was so unhealthy in the way that I ate and whats worse is I tried to be in denial of it and confused that I could not drop any weight.  And then when I got home,  I would drown my sorrows in a beer,  then commenced to throwing my fat stomach around in the mirror reflection,  further tormenting my self-esteem and mental/spiritual  happiness. 

So,  where does that leave me now?   I’m still working at a place that sells junk food, yet at night,  I am gathering with Vegan bloggers and talking on Vegetarian chat groups on Facebook and screen shotting tasty pictures of vegan food in different restaurants around the country.  I am making green smoothies, blended with fruits and veggies sometimes twice a day for the last month. I am doing more journal work to help discover my true purpose.  I am being more silent in my solitude to hear myself better. 

I am transforming into a Vegan Butterfly. 

#VeganInTraining

Changing from a heavily based meat and starch diet to a plant -based one can be difficult.  I find that out every day just how hard it is as I search for something to eat.  But what I have learned to do and am still in the process of strengethening is the effect my taste buds has on my brain.  Sometimes I can hear my tongue screaming to my brain,” You need sugar.!  You need sugar!  You Need sugar!!  Put extra salt on that taco meat and sprinkle cheese on it like fairy dust.  U know u want that pork chop with that egg with that pancake with that cow’s milk floating in sweet coffee.”

“STOP!!!!” I have finally had enough. I have to yell at my inner self to stop being weak for poison.  The after affect is not worth the delicious familiar goodness of GMO foods in my being.

Am I the only one who feels this way that is a transitioning Vegan?

I found what makes it easier to crave healthy foods is images.  Lots and lots of images.  I have an App called Pinterest that is like a search engine with bulletin board posts and images and “how to” tutorials of just anything one can think of.  I downloaded the app initially when I wanted to research different gods and goddesses in Ancient Khamitic practices.  Then my search on Pinterest expanded everyday thereafter. I would be curious how to do a pin up dreadlock style and I’d find the idea on Pinterest,  or I would be looking for a funny meme and immediate images would fill my phone screen.

So I got to thinking,  I want to look up some healthy dishes. So I started with one healthy ingredient in the search bar like Garbanzo beans or Mushrooms or Flax seeds for example,  and down pops 100s of dishes,  ways to eat this ingredient,  and specific health benefits the food brings if digested regularly.  I became healthier by the nanosecond,  simply by reading about healthy foods. 

I started to research healthy cookbooks and holistic living for hours,  while still eating unhealthy.  But what I was doing was training my brain to”Crave Healthy.” Id look up mouth watering smoothies and save them in a pinterest board or write it down in my journal and next thing I knew I was searching, in reality,  for these recipies at the grocery store.”Lively up Yourself” as Bob Marley would say. 

My trips to the store have improved more and more as the weeks go on.  Yesterday at the grocery store,  I bought NOTHING BUT Vegan,  gluten free, and Organic foods.  First time ever lol. 

My stuggle for wanting a healthier eating lifestyle is now looking more promising now and I can see the transformational greatness already in my energy,  attitude, skin and hair.  I just have to keep pushing. Will you join me in my journey? 

Love Letter to Me 

My wellness is internally sound.  I just need to bring it out and into the open. 

Spirit of Afrakan beauty, show me harmonious balance throughout the universe.

My womb is at peace,  all diseases must vanish like a shell washing off the beach. 

Wickedness!  No longer exist in me!

My body colored in a spangling of a thousand Sirius stars,  I shower you with inner peace. 

As visions of dreams of goals of Abundant Life and blessing speak to me.

I now make it my business to heal you spiritually,  mentally,  and physically. 

There are no limits as my Ancestors dance above the stars,  burning their toes,  exhaling speckles of wisdom here and there.

And everywhere!

You shake this house!

You shake power into me and cleanse this toxic waste I am so heavy of!

Mucus,  clotting,  and stench must disappear,  vanish,  disintegrate,  and a vast glory of righteousness shall appear. And it will grow.

You are so beautiful Nubia!! 

Journal of Wellness 

  • Queen Afua
  • Great daily way to write
  • External,  creative release
  • Detox through breathing words
  • You create The Power in Your Own Word
  • Confession
  • Story -telling
  • Poetry
  • Healing
  • Positive affirmations
  • Visions
  • Aspirations
  • Manifesting Your Ultimate Dream to Reality

Religious Questions 

What is religion?

 What do I really need to believe in? 

What’s real?

 Am I really alone? 

Or are spirits surrounding me?

 Where are they?

 Do I want to see them?

 Can I handle it? 

Can they handle me? 

Can I devoke an invoking?

Can I stop once they really want me?

Is a piece of hair enough?

Or will they want more of my DNA to touch?

Can I just claim to want to be a part of an”ism”?  

Or is there evidence needed to show my loyalty for my ‘ism’?

What is my”ism”?

Can I be an”ism”?

Or arent I enough? 

Affirmations

My journal entry today was short and sweet.  I wrote 10 affirmations and will repeat everyday to myself.  Power of words can be healing if u allow it to be. 

– I am Beauty

– I am Love

– I am an Intricate Spirit

– I am Divine

– I am a successful woman of color

– I am intelligent

– I speak myself into Power

– I am patient with my progress

– I am always growing

– I am exactly where I need to be 

Transform Me

” Health is in season for me. I feel that its time for me to take on a real challenge now. I seriously need to eat better.

Truthfully, its not too hard to do, but there is alot of food out there full of acid and poison around me.  There has to be a better way to life,  but also an enjoyable experience for my taste buds.  I need to get in tune.  I need to build up my inner strength and train my weaknesses.

I cannot continue to eat like this.  I eat bologna sandwiches, sugary cereal and cow’s milk,  ramen noodles all the time,  drink soda and sweet tea all throughout the day and night! Ridiculous! Pasteurized and processed and chemically induced shouldn’t be a way of eating,  because that’ll become a way of thinking.

What’s so enjoyable about getting drowsy and tired when you eat? I should be energized and full of life.  Eating is not supposed to make one tired. It doesn’t make sense. Rejuvenation comes from food intake.  So,  it only makes sense to eat natural foods to energize/ rejuvenate the body.

There are times when I sink.  The energy around me is just so depressing,  I dont know anything positive.  It isn’t constant,  but it is overwhelming and draining. I wish to just stay in bed forever at times.  And its as if nothing in the universe can make me happy.  A failing mistake is me.

But then I have other days when I’m happy as shit and ecstatic and vivacious and just feeling lovely.  These days are a rarity, but they exist.  And when those days come to me, its amazing the effect it has on my life. I can better describe it when im actually having a positive,  vivacious day because today is just not the day.

Its a somber day for me.  A day where, to be honest,  I just want to release from the world.  I have to ask myself, will the natural way really help me?  Turn my down into up?  What the fuck!  Release me!! Take away the constant annoyance!! I feel so angry,  I feel like a mindless idiot with no success.  Im so stressed.  And it starts with u! *points at me* Dont coo me with sweet words like a Sade song. This is ridiculous!  Ugh!!”

 

I wrote this journal entry at the beginning of June.  Still upset with life.  I found out what was my issue by doing alot of isolation and meditation.  I asked the Most High inside me what was wrong? Why am I not happy?  Im alive arent I?!

But as I disocvered,  like an epiphany,  it was what I was taking into my body that was causing the aggravated behavior.  Soon after I wrote this,  a family member invited me to become her workout partner at the gym.  She had confided in me similar feelings of sadness and we came to an agreement that we should workout more and eat better and thus;  feel better.

I admit,  I still have my days,  but as the month has progressed,  I feel much better. I am eating more vegetables like Spinach,  tomatoes,  mushrooms and bellpeppers.  I drink a smoothie daily.  I love avocado,  berries,  oranges and apples and lemons.  I bought some herbal supplements and Spirulina and flax seeds over the weekend and I am ready for a transformative journey.

I like to look back at journal entries and see if I have grown any sense I wrote them.

It helps to see the progress.  I definitely can feel a positive transformation taking over me.

Life

“When life gets better,  its a little scary. I start to look for signs of another failing moment.  Its almost an unconscious thing. And sometimes its not even a huge failure, but a setback.  Losing a job,  being overcome with depression, etc.  Am I the only one that’s like this?

Maybe one day I’ll do better.”

 
This was a journal entry I wrote a few months back.  I wasn’t working and was eating a bunch of junk food .  I must admit,  I felt pretty helpless. This was actually though,  a more pleasant entry than other ones I read back on.  Needless to say,  I was unhappy in myself. I knew I needed a change,  just wasn’t sure how or what needed to be changed.  I just knew physically, mentally, and spiritually I was upset with me.

Goddess in Me

I am making this blog so that I can start to share my views with other individuals that share spiritual and holistic ideas like myself. 

I tend to keep all my ideas locked up in my journal and I tend to be shy when sharing so much about myself on social media,  but I feel that needs to change.

I want to put into the world that I’m more than just a black face,  but an intricate spirit. The easier I can do that,  I believe the more I will feel it in me as well.  I thank u for reading my first blog and mostly I will be doing journal entries in here.

So if you always wondered what has been going on inside that big head of mines,  now is your chance to read and discover the Nubian Goddess within Brittany (ME)!!